Feb. 4, 2011 - Life was a juggling act. 

I always loved Groundhog Day as a child. I am not really sure why. Perhaps growing up in snowy Upstate NY, the thought of an early end to Winter was always appealing. Exactly one year ago the realtor dug through a lot of snow to put up a, “For Sale” sign at my house perhaps because that groundhog saw his shadow. It had already been a hard winter...6 more weeks of this? I wanted to zip ahead to Spring, but then I also wanted time to stand still.

We had just put our family home up for sale because our new home was complete & ready for us. All the designing, selecting, and second guessing was done. It had been completed for a month already but life was throwing us a huge curve ball. The most important person in my life was dying right in front of eyes & I was her caregiver, and her daughter. 

There was no cure I could come up no matter how much money, time, ingredients, deals with God, medicine, or love I would offer to give, sacrifice, or just throw at it. Her ovarian cancer came out of nowhere and was taking my Mother away from me. We were both mad at this disease, and completely naive about death. It has changed me forever. 

A year ago, I just wanted her pain to go away. I was fed up with doctors. I was now also an expert at creating medication schedules, emptying a catheter, inventorying & organizing our medical supplies. I have zero medical background, and yet this past year I have learned so much about wound care, cancer, chemotherapy, hair loss, nausea, wigs, Palliative Care and Hospice.

Hospice workers were coming and going and making things bearable for me. I never left her side for more time than to run up to the pharmacy to refill prescriptions and buy anything on her list of things she wanted. Mostly she just wanted popsicles and split pea soup. Neither one of us had an attention span for reading books or magazines at this point. She never wanted to watch movies. She watched a lot of HGTV, QVC and Cooking Shows on the Food Network. It was ironic because there was so little she could eat. My aunts would come from NY and Florida to help me & her. I will never be able to fully relay my appreciation for their love & support to them. They were amazing. Words are not enough. 

My new house was waiting for us to start our new life. I was basically on deathwatch for someone I never wanted to die. She was the most vibrant, fun loving person I know, how could anything extinguish her and her zest for life? Everyone loved her & we all needed her, how could this be happening? She was the best person in my universe. If she could die, then we all could die at any moment. I felt my own real mortality for the first time.

Life was a juggling act. 

I was a nurse first, then the rest of my roles: busy mother of three young kids, wife, preschool board president, neighborhood book-club member, friend to others were all on the back burner. All my priorities had shifted. We had to have our house ready at a moments notice for realtors to show potential buyers. I was cleaning constantly. I was an angry, bitter person not having fun. My poor husband. My poor kids. 

The kids were graciously brought home everyday from school by a friend, as I could not leave my house, nor did I want to. I wanted to spend every possible moment with my Mom. I knew that my time was limited. When I woke up, I raced downstairs to check and see if she was awake. Her weak smile, was like getting a gift. I sat next hours on end watching her sleep. Taking everything in, just being with her. Racking my brain trying to think of questions to ask her for the future, that I knew I would want to know later after she was gone. I couldn’t think of anything. It was so frustrating. 

This was the person I emailed back and forth all day, & called several times a day to ask for answers to everyday questions...”who was so and so...”, “whats the recipe for those cookies...”, “did you see on tv today..”?  More importantly I called her all the time to share what milestone thing my brilliant children had accomplished. Nothing made her more proud than to hear what they were doing and to have pictures. She was notorious for meeting friends for lunch & having tons of pictures of the grandkids. 

She is the one I could tell everything to and she was completely going to take my side, no matter what, always in my corner. She was my resource for all questions and advice with things to do with raising children. She had been a Kindergarten Teacher for 28 years and she knew everything! She also raised me and did a great job. 

How could I go on without her? But there I sat by her bedside, not being able to do a thing to fix her. Completely helpless & just watching it all unfold before my eyes. I told her, please just do not die on my birthday. She promised me she wouldn’t.

Feb. 4, 2012  - Improving.

Today, I sit in my new house typing at my computer, next to the fireplace with my little white puppy-dog Stella curled up next to me. She is the equivalent of a therapy dog, just very high maintenance.

Snow has lightly sugar coated our yard this evening. It had been a typical weekend day of birthday parties for one my kids to attend. My husband stopped by Costco to get some last minute snacks that we will enjoy during the Super Bowl tomorrow. The New England Patriots and the NY Giants will face off. I could not even tell you when or who was in the Super Bowl last year. Trying to recall the Halftime entertainment, and I am thinking it was the Black-Eyed Peas. I know it is going to be Madonna this year. So I suppose I am more reconnected with the world again, which is a good status of things improving. 

Overall, things are really good. Improving.

I can go a long time with out crying about the loss of my Mom. I still make others cry, but I think I am a little cried out. Scratch that as I re-read for editing purposes, I cried.  

I have been in my beautiful new home for 9 months now. Wow, it really feels longer in some respects. I still have so much to do in finishing this house. The house is a low priority as the kids are taking up all of our time and energy. Plenty of time to do house stuff later. The kids come first. 

We are also preparing for Valentine’s Day. I worked with my youngest on getting his Valentines ready for his preschool class. Tomorrow we will tackle the 1st grade & 3rd grade ones. That totals 60+ Valentines! How did we do this last year? Oh, I remember now. I didn’t think we could finish them fast, so I printed out the names on address label stickers because I knew didn’t have the luxury of time to sit with the kids & have them hand print each one. It would have taken me away from my Mom for too long. My good friend had my daughter over for a play date and they made beautiful homemade Valentines. I was so appreciative because it was such a happy activity for her to do & it saved me a ton of time!

I recently started working with a friend of mine from back in my earlier Interior Design days. My first project with her was for a Washington Post article and was a big success. It felt so great to have a design published in a newspaper. A completely non-kids related thing I have done & done well! I feel such a sense of accomplishment. 

The person who understands this accomplishment and appreciates it the most and whom I want to share this success with of course will never know that her daughter, the Interior Designer, had her design published in a major Newspaper! She would have been so excited. It is so bittersweet. I wonder what my kids will grow up to be. In a blink of an eye they will be off doing there own thing. Once again, I find myself taking it all in, trying to treasure every moment. Focus on staying present and positive. I hope I have a long life ahead of me so I am there for them and see all their successes!